When we take certain actions or use certain words, whether in our personal or professional life, it is important to think about: With this action or these words, what quiet or subliminal messages am I also communicating? This is one of the main roots of misunderstandings in any relationship.
For example, when someone, a child, a peer, a spouse, speaks to us but our minds are elsewhere, and we don't focus on what they are saying, we just nod or give a short answer and move on to the task at hand or the predominate thoughts in our head. Inadvertently, we are sending the message that we don't care about whatever it was the person was trying to say to us or that they are not as important as what is top of the mind currently. They walk away feeling dejected or thinking that we don't care about what they were trying to share. That may not be the case at all, but now that person is walking away with ill feelings about us. The next interaction with that person may be negatively impacted as well.
When a young child is learning to tie shoelaces, it takes time and patience from those doing the instruction. Sometimes, we simply don't have the time to help the young child learn to tie shoes independently, and sometimes, this is unavoidable given life's circumstances. However, we must consider the message we are sending by bending down and tying the shoes ourselves when the young child is trying to do it alone. When we grab that laces with frustration because we are in a hurry, we are sending the message that the young child cannot do it on his/her own and is too slow to learn. The more often we have that reaction as care givers, the more ingrained those negative perceptions of self become. When we rob our youth of opportunities to try, to learn, and to eventually be successful independently, we rob them of the chance to experience the perseverance and celebration necessary to navigate adult life successfully.
It is imperative that we consider what message we are sending by our actions.
When a student is asking for help in Algebra or Physics for what feels like the 100th time, we moan and groan, roll our eyes, or even say, "Again? How many times do I have to show you this?" What message is being sent to this student? That he/she is not intelligent because help is needed again or that we don't have the time and patience to help them again? Are these results not counterproductive to our mission?
In the workplace, when someone enters our office or approaches our desk to talk, and we presume we can multi-task without fallacy. We keep working on the computer or writing in a notebook while the person in front of us begins the conversation they feel compelled to have. What message are we sending to him/her? I am sure this has happened to each of us reading this post, on one side of the desk or the other. How does it make you feel when the person you need to speak with won't give you undivided attention? I know how it makes me feel, that whatever the person is working on is more important than the conversation with me, that I am interrupting, and that it is not a good time to disturb him/her. I feel less important.
The same message is being sent when we treat family members, children, and significant others that way. How many times do we really expect them to come back to talk to us, to build a relationship with us, when we rebuff them continually, even if inadvertently?
Another example from Jeff McNess' blog: A woman had to slam on her brakes in order to not hit the car in front of her; she honks her horn, screams profanities, and makes vulgar hand gestures. Her car also has a WWJD sticker, a fish, and other religious symbols. The observing officer saw the dichotomy and presumed to think that the car was stolen. Somewhat comical, but good example all the same. What are we advertising, and does it match who we really are?
Another example from The Daily Caller: What message was being sent to a terrorist country when we agreed to sit down with them while some terrorist activities are still ongoing? On one side, our government wanted to bring an end to the terroristic activities and begin to forge a path for peace. On the other side, it could be perceived that we were condoning or forgiving the indiscretions by even taking a seat at the table with them.
Are our actions and words really reinforcing our true feelings and beliefs or are they in contradiction with one another? "What we all must be mindful of is the message we send through our actions." From Alan Mathis in "What Messages Are We Sending to Young People?" blog.
Teaching teenagers to drive holds further examples. We remind them repeatedly to come to compete stops at stop signs, to use blinkers each time they change lanes or turn, and to stop at yellow lights, but what actions do they witness the adults in their lives doing every day? Are we modeling for them the safest driving habits or are we only telling them to follow those habits? Are we contradicting our words with our actions? Is that among our goals, to model hypocrisy?
We risk not only people misunderstanding us and carrying negative thoughts around about us, but also lower motivation, concern, and appreciation from others. Students, at any age, will work harder for teachers they like and who they believe like and care about them. The work force will work harder for bosses they like and who they honestly think care about them. Significant others will work harder for the couple if they feel valued and cared about.
By allowing mixed messages, we risk damaging the very relationships that are absolutely essential to our personal and professional growth and happiness.
Kimberly Davis, an expert on authentic leadership, also has a What messages are we sending? blog that is focused on those in leadership positions. How we show up each day matters.
Our words and actions affect the magnitude of our potential impact as much as our daily work does. Actions speak louder than words, or at the very least in equal volume; we must ensure that our actions and our words are aligned. We work too hard to have a positive impact, why would we do anything to take away from that?
As humans, we observe the world through all five senses. We can hear the words being said to us while we can also see the body language, facial expressions, and posture, and we can smell personal habits. While we don't often use taste in conversations, we do use our sense of touch, whether it's in the handshake or in the emotions we feel after walking away. Are you positively engaging 3-4 of the senses when you meet with people?
To influence others, to truly make a positive impact on the world around us and on the future, we must consider: What messages are we sending?
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