To honor our young people and to be closer to "doing the right thing" every time, I believe we have to follow a few rules.
1. Remain aware that every child and every situation is different; there is no cookie cutter response. We absolutely cannot believe that what worked in one situation with one young person can be generalized to all kids in all situations. I can't even say that what worked with one of my kids will work with another. It could even be the same challenge being faced, and we are in the same family, but the way to address and overcome it may not be the same. Every individual has different motivation, dreams, hopes, and fears. No two kids are the same.
2. While we cannot standardize our responses, we can standardize our approach. I approach tough situations by first gathering all the data or information I can, reading research, reflecting on my experiences both professionally and personally, talking to trusted family members, friends, and colleagues, and contemplating pros/cons and implications. Then, I can make an educated decision. I still second guess myself all the time, and pray that I am doing the right thing. But we must dedicate ourselves to learning all we can from various sources and truly listening to all of the possible options, and then commit to making a decision that we believe is best for this child or group of people in this specific situation. It is about creating a calculated response to a situation, not reacting emotionally, but this is for a future post. :)
3. We have to cut ourselves some slack. As parents and caregivers, I think some level of guilt is inherent. We care so much about those we influence that if something goes wrong or if there are unforeseen obstacles and setbacks, we blame ourselves to some extent. No one is perfect, and we must give ourselves credit for trying and for doing the best we can. We have to stop the blame game and focus on learning from what we chose to do. There is no failure, only opportunity for growth. In most cases, it wasn't the wrong or the worst decision, it just may not have been the absolute best one. So we learn from it and move forward, committed to using this new knowledge as part of our research in future decision making. By doing this we also model great resiliency, reflection, and life long learning to our youth, modeling - another topic for a future post. :)
Personally, I've gone so far as to say a lot of this to my teenagers at home. I have explained the fine line: We want to keep you safe but we understand you want and need more freedom and independence. How do we let the birds fly while still holding onto to their feet? I've also explained to them when we've erred one way or the other. I have these open conversations with them so that they understand where we are coming from when we say no to something, when we say yes with limits, or when we compromise. I can do this more easily now because my kids are 15 and 16 years old and capable of abstract thought and analysis, but these conversations started in a more limited sense back in elementary school when they were just starting to push boundaries and ask for more privileges. This open communication certainly does not eliminate all arguing, debating, or upset reactions, but I do believe it has helped reduce it and make our relationships stronger during these sometimes difficult teenage years.
Comentarios