Yes, you are! We are ALL models for our youth.
Humans are imitators. From infancy, everything learned is by imitation. From peek a boo, clapping, and smiling, to saying mommy or daddy the first time; we show babies how to do something, and we keep doing it until they repeat it back to us. Then when they do repeat it back, they get enthusiastically reinforced with smiles, cheers, and kisses. So, of course they are going to do it again! As we grow older, this imitation continues, as we learn how to talk, how to read, how to be successful in school, how to drive, and how to act in different situations.
For most of us, to model something is to display the expected behavior for others to repeat: How to tie our shoes, how to dress ourselves, how to complete a chore, how to solve a math problem, how to write a composition, how to conduct an experiment, how to annotate a text, or how to monitor personal comprehension. Modeling behavior is not limited to academic tasks though. Included is how to have a respectful conversation where each person truly listens, take turns speaking, and respond appropriately. It is how to share, how to reach compromise, how to treat others, and why to do chores without being asked.
We are modeling every minute of every day.
Our children and young adults are ALWAYS watching us and taking mental notes.
From birth, infants are watching us to figure out to speak, how to get what they want, and how to get attention. As they progress to toddlerhood, we are being watched as they learn how to dress themselves, what to wear for different occasions, how to eat properly and where, and how to deal with frustration. Young adults, as well as co-workers, are watching and learning as they see us deal with conflict, face adversity, and have emotions of happy, frustrated, and sad. If we eat breakfast in front of the tv, why wouldn't they? If we have our phone out during a lesson, a conversation, or dinner, why wouldn't they also use a tool of distraction when in class, spoken to, or during dinner? If we appear unprepared when in front of others and work on other things during instruction in the classroom, we are modeling exactly those traits for our staff and students, and how can we expect them to treat work any differently? What lifelong habits are we demonstrating to those we influence?
They are watching us to learn how to handle stress, what coping strategies are good, how to be a good friend, how to be a parent, and how to be a leader. They are learning from us how to deal with poor drivers on the road, unsatisfactory service from others, and bad manners witnessed.
How to be right, how to be wrong, how to apologize, how to rectify, how to compromise, how to view oneself.
They are learning what self-esteem is, how men and women feel about themselves, and how they treat each other. They are learning how to be a significant other, a brother or sister, an aunt or uncle, a son or daughter, or a niece or nephew; they are learning about family. We model who and how to forgive.
Everything we do is being catalogued by our youth and stored away in the recesses of their brains. They use this as a basis for their own decision making. Their behaviors are a reflection of our own, a replication of the behaviors, emotions, and attitudes we display. As teenagers and young adults, they begin to have their own independent thoughts, words, and actions, but a resource they consult when deciding what to do in a given situation or with a certain emotion is inevitably what we showed them to do in similar situations or with like emotions.
This is an enormous responsibility.
We must never forget it is ours.
After all, the youth of a society are a reflection of the society as a whole. In this quote from truparenting.net, I would only change: "the parent's behavior" to "the adult's behavior". Whether we are in the position to influence others through teaching and education, through advocacy and service, or through parenting and family, the true power of our impact lies in modeling.
Boy, that's a lot of pressure!
No kidding, that's why they say, "It takes a village to raise a child."' An African proverb emphasizing the importance of family and community. Everyone reading this influences today's youth in some way and at some age: parents, caregivers, advocates, counselors, mentors, teachers, leaders, doctors, lawyers...it takes all of us: 1. Doing Our Best. 2. Doing the Right Thing. 3. Showing that We Care. ("Am I doing the right thing?" blog post)
One of the most important things we can do for our youth is to model
the very traits we hope/expect them to demonstrate now and in the future.
Of course, no one is perfect; we all have "baggage" from the way we were raised, and we are all contributing to the baggage of our youth, but we can minimize the load and make it constructive, useful, and helpful instead of detrimental in any way. If we are trying to do our best and to do the right thing by being reflective, objective, and honest, then we are also in the position to respond constructively and rectify our mistakes, capitalize on the growth, and at the very least, make sure that they are not repeated. Furthermore, we are also modeling for our youth how to go through this process - be objectively reflect and be honest with oneself, how to respond rather than react ("Reacting v. Responding", blog post), and how to embrace change and growth. We do not focus on being perfect, but on making progress, on constantly evolving.
So, if all of us who are in the position to influence today's youth and tomorrow's leaders commit to an awareness of what we are modeling, what we are reinforcing, and what messages we are sending and to objective, personal reflection and growth, then we could truly change the world.
In the spirit of modeling and practicing what you preach...
It takes a village, but starts with the individual; well, there are certainly things I've done wrong, actions or words I regret, things I have forgotten or not realized, times I've reacted, not responded, and times I have regretted behaviors, attitudes, or routines I've made. I've tried to own them and improve due to them.
Currently in my household, there are struggles with self-esteem, and I hate this obstacle; it is certainly not one I wanted to have for my family, but it is one. As we reflect on it, I realize that I model an enormous amount of negative self-talk. I taught them how to talk to themselves, and it wasn't nice! One example: The number of times have I've looked in the mirror and said to myself:
"Well, this is as good as it gets today." "Wow, bad hair day!" "This outfit makes me look fat." "I look awful today."
These are comments meant for my ears only of course, but I know I've said things like this out loud in front of others at times too. I realize that I passed on to the next generation a trait that I DID NOT want to or plan to share. I really didn't think it was still an obstacle for me, but clearly it is! Not only am I angry at myself, but I carry tremendous guilt for it. But I have to cut myself some slack (rule 3) and acknowledge that I can't change the past or the mistakes I have made. I can however control how I am going to respond.
Mostly, I've learned that to positively impact those around me, I have to change myself. Model how to be resilient, how to cope, and how to change. Model strength and faith. Intentionally model for those around me the traits or behaviors that I think need influencing in them. I make a daily and conscious effort to do my best and to do the right thing; I feel more confident that I am meeting both of these standards when I maintain high awareness of what I am modeling, what is being reinforced, and if I am reacting instead of responding.
So next time, your child, youth, teenager, or student is exhibiting behaviors that are not preferable, ask yourself:
From where did they learn this behavior?
Is it being inadvertently reinforced? (From "Magnifying the Power of Positive Reinforcement", blog post)
To think of modeling through this lens, there is a whole new meaning brought to these words:
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