To honor our young people and to be closer to "doing the right thing" every time, I believe we have to follow a few rules.
1. Remain aware that every child and every situation is different; there is no cookie cutter response. We absolutely cannot believe that what worked in one situation with one young person can be generalized to all kids in all situations. I can't even say that what worked with one of my kids will work with another. It could even be the same challenge being faced, and we are in the same family, but the way to address and overcome it may not be the same. Every individual has different motivation, dreams, hopes, and fears. No two kids are the same.
2. While we cannot standardize our responses, we can standardize our approach. I approach tough situations by first gathering all the data or information I can, reading research, reflecting on my experiences both professionally and personally, talking to trusted family members, friends, and colleagues, and contemplating pros/cons and implications. Then, I can make an educated decision. I still second guess myself all the time and pray that I am doing the right thing. But we must dedicate ourselves to learning all we can from various sources and truly listening to all of the possible options, and then commit to making a decision that we believe is best for this child or group of people in this specific situation. It is about creating a calculated response to a situation, not reacting emotionally, but this is for a future post. :)
3. We have to cut ourselves some slack. As parents and caregivers, I think some level of guilt is inherent. We care so much about those we influence that if something goes wrong or if there are unforeseen obstacles and setbacks, we blame ourselves to some extent. No one is perfect, and we must give ourselves credit for trying and for doing the best we can. We have to stop the blame game and focus on learning from what we chose to do. There is no failure, only opportunity for growth. In most cases, it wasn't the wrong or the worst decision, it just may not have been the absolute best one. So, we learn from it and move forward, committed to using this new knowledge as part of our research in future decision making. By doing this we also model great resiliency, reflection, and lifelong learning to our youth, modeling - another topic for a future post. :)
Personally, I've gone so far as to say a lot of this to my teenagers at home. I have explained the fine line: We want to keep you safe, but we understand you want and need more freedom and independence. How do we let the birds fly while still holding onto to their feet? I've also explained to them when we've erred one way or the other. I have these open conversations with them so that they understand where we are coming from when we say no to a request, when we say yes with limits, or when we compromise. I can do this more easily now because my kids are 19 and 20 years old and capable of abstract thought and analysis, but these conversations started in a more limited sense back in elementary school when they were just starting to push boundaries and ask for more privileges. This open communication certainly does not eliminate all arguing, debating, or upset reactions, but I do believe it has helped reduce it and make our relationships stronger during these sometimes-difficult teenage years.
Currently, in my household, we are trying to achieve a delicate balance between supporting very high achievement goals and holding to some of the standards required to ensure there's enough support and modification to support physical and emotional health. It's a tough balance to find and maintain consistently. On one hand, you risk under achievement and lack of personal fulfillment; on the other, you risk their health in some or many ways. So, what's the right thing to do in order to achieve the perfect balance that results in achievement, fulfillment, and strong health? We ask that question every day and try to "do the right thing". I know that we have erred on one side or the other at times and tipped the scales, but I have to believe that our ongoing efforts will bring it back in balance at least most of the time.
I know that we will never be able to answer the question: Am I doing the right thing? with an emphatic "yes" every time. We are humans dealing with younger humans, so we are bound to face situations and feelings never anticipated, but I deeply believe that by asking the question and trying our best to answer with "yes" or "I'm pretty sure"' every time makes us better and stronger adults who are more likely to be doing the right thing, as least most of the time. And the closer to "right" that we are, the greater the positive impact we can have on those young minds we care so much to nurture well and adequately prepare for the future.
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